Sunday, July 31, 2016

What I am thinking now August 1, 2016

My mind is a-swirl with some of the same things and yet, difference has made an appearance as well. As you may or may not know, I am medicated for the most part, but this is what I have done:
I have stopped taking the spirit killer because I couldn’t breathe. There was no motivation to leave the couch and there was no fire to fight with. I wanted to sleep most of the time and my chronic physical pain helped with that as well.
Oh this is so boring, so boring! Basically, I am holding tight reigns on her and it’s more difficult than you think. She burns within, bursting through every layer of my defenses. Somehow I manage to keep the outer gate closed.
How much more? How can it be so damning to yearn for release. I am so tired. So unbelievably tired of having no pasture for my fairy to run, no ocean to swim and no forests to frolick. I am in pain, literal pain. This restraint is breaking me in two.
Just my thoughts, I should sleep

If she lets me.

Natie and Jake, she's here now

He took several pictures of the outside wall while I stared into the mimosas. The blooms were gone now, and large pods covered the ground beneath the trees. As I stepped into the foliage, carcases of seed pods crackled and shifted with the weight of my feet. I was pulled away from my grief momentarily by the speech of their dry dead bodies. Dead, they were dead too, come and gone so fast and no one cared. Does anyone really care about anything after its dead for a while?

 “Natie look!”

 I turned toward Jake who stood directly in front of the back brick wall of my house. He was staring at the pictures he had taken just a moment ago. Something was obviously stealing his attention.

 “What is it, Jake?”

 He turned to me and smiled. His shaking hand revealed that he wasn’t altogether happy, part of him was terrified. “Look at this.”

 Jake pushed the camera toward. I took a look for myself. The picture was nothing special at first, just a brick wall with a high window. Then I saw what he was talking about. It was a face, or at least, it looked like a face.

 “It’s her, right?”

 I didn’t speak for a moment. I stared at the window with the image smeared onto the glass. It wasn’t that clear and so I handed the camera back to Jake.

 “I’m not sure. I cannot tell who that looks like, if it’s really a person at all. I think it’s possible that you could be grasping at things. My son could have pressed his face against the glass and made that impression, you know.”

 But I did notice the face and I didn’t remember my son pressing his face against the glass, yet I didn’t want to get too excited or frightened, not yet.

“Natie, that’s a face, and see…” Jake clicked through the images. “Here’s another one, but the face is gone. Oh Natie, that ghost is in there, and it wants to contact us.”

 I stared at the clear window in the photo. I was terrified by the fact that my aunt could be in that room, the room where my children sleep every night. The nightmare images flashed momentarily through my mind and I shivered. The thought of Franklin was completely gone now, only the thought of coming face to face with a dead thing prevailed.

 “Jake, do you think we should stop?”

 Jake put his undivided attention on my face, then my chest and then my face again. “I…I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

 I took the camera from Jake and looked at the images again. There in one image was a face, and in the next one, nothing at all, Just the edges of the curtain. “Take another one, Jake.”

 Jake took a couple more pictures of the window and then took pictures of the wall, the mimosas and a few pictures of me.

 “Smile babe.”

 But I didn’t want to smile. I wanted to cry and go stay somewhere else, but I had nowhere else to go. “Let me see the pictures.”

 Jake chuckled softly and looked down at the camera. He clicked to the viewing screen and nodded. “You are beautiful in front of the Mimosas. The green of the leaves contrasts with your red hair…sexy.”

 “Jake, can you get on with it. Do you see anything?”

 Jake clicked and clicked until he stopped. I saw his face change, his smile dropped.

“What is it?”

 Jake looked at me and then back at the screen.

 “Is the face in the window?” But the face wasn’t in the window, and the face wasn’t looming within the mimosas.

 “Look, don’t freak out.”

 “Give me that!” I snatched the camera from the idiot who thought it was better to drag things out.

 Maybe a face wasn’t in any of the other pictures but there was a face in the image on the view screen. It was a picture of me standing by the wall, and there within the bricks were the contours of a face. Rounded surfaces pulled the hardness of the wall into a bulging image. It seemed to be scowling. Dark brick eyes were glaring at me. I didn’t mean to, but I dropped the camera. Thanks to the dead pods from the mimosa, Jake’s camera was cushioned and safe.


 “Yes Natie.”

 “Don’t leave. I’m scared.”

 “Okay, sure.”

 Later that night, as Jake and I sat at the dining room table, I retraced everything we had done. We tried phantom writing, we tried EVP, Pictures, video and checked for temperature changes. We even kept a close check on the electromagnetic readings. I was exhausted and the hard chair was hurting my butt. I stood to give my tailbone a little relief, and my chair moved backwards of its own volition.

 “Jake! Did you see that?”

 Jake’s mouth was hanging open so I assumed he saw it too. “Yeah, I saw that.”

 A soft tapping started somewhere near the refrigerator which was behind Jake and across the room. The tapping grew louder and then cereal boxes,and a cake plate flew from the top of the refrigerator and across the room. I screamed and tackled Jake in his chair. One hand was full of Jake’s leather jacket, gripping just as his shoulder, while the other hand hugged him for protection. He pulled me off him and stood to face the clutter.

 “wow. I think we’ve started something.”

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Natie and Jake should take inventory and counsel

Even the cheap gadgets worked. Those little phone apps were more than I had bargained for. Now Jake was angry at me about Franklin, and I did sleep with Franklin. I just wish that Jake wasn’t right and I had to figure out a way to get his attention off the whole ordeal. Because I wasn’t cheating on him now and Franklin had been out of the picture for weeks.

 “Jake, stop being a jerk.”

 “I will stop being a jerk when you tell me it isn’t true. Tell me you’re not sleeping with my best friend.”

 I didn’t want to lie but I wanted to lie to Jake. How would I do it?

 “Listen, you know that app is full of crap, right? It’s ridiculous, Jake, please stop being so jealous. It’s just a name, it could have been any name, for that matter. Come on, I need you to help me contact my aunt.”

 Jake wasn’t convinced and I knew he would come back around to this topic sooner or later. I just wanted to buy some time and try to smooth things over. After all, Jake and I weren’t really together when I was seeing Franklin, so I didn’t understand why the app would say his name.

As I struggled to get a hold on my situation, I felt the goosebumps rise up on my arm. I realized it was cold in the living room.

 “Jake? Can we check the temperature readings now?”

 I didn’t know what he was thinking, but he stood and gathered his camera and EVP metre. Then he put them down again. He was confused, running his hands through his hair. He picked up his equipment once more than looked at me. Even an adulterous girlfriend couldn’t keep him away from his ghosts. Even I, as complicated as I was, could not drag Jake from his own reality. Jake wasn’t a jerk, he was magnificent. It’s just bad timing for us and I knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant as pie from here on out. But I was desperate. Jake looked at me and he could see the desperation and sadness in my face.

 “You really need this don’t you?”

 I was caught off guard by his words, but I caught on. “Yes, she died in there and going in the closet isn’t good enough.” I motioned toward the back bedroom. “ That corner has been dark ever since. I think she wants me to come to her, the cold place, you know.”

 “I got it. Let’s go. Grab the other camera. Oh and, bring your phone too. Make sure that ghost hunting app is still on.”

 “Are we going in there, in the room?”

 “No, I have an idea.”

 I never heard Franklin’s name again as we walked behind the house. I heard a few other strange words like ‘syringe’ and ‘number’, but no ‘Franklin.’ I guess the ghost was done being comical and devious. I guess it’s fun for the dead to watch the living squirm under pressure. They were the real jerks. Suddenly I felt bad for calling my aunt a jerk because my aunt was among that throng of the dead. I wondered if she was playing havoc with me and enjoying the torture.

 “What about here? Is it this window or the one on the other side?” Jake stopped and looked around the yard.

 I looked up at the high rectangular windows and shivered. “It’s these windows. Why are we outside the room, Jake?”

 “Because sometimes the spirits lurk outside the room they died in. They are scared of that room, almost as much as you are. She could be wandering anywhere outside these windows, even in the woods behind us.”

 I spun around and gazed into the darkened center of the woods. Vines and saplings invaded the yard and high limbs from trees tickled my head with dying leaves. I jumped back by a sudden scratch from above. “The woods are too close here, Jake.”

 “Why do you say that?”

 I leaned against the brick wall and whimpered. “I’m scared, Jake. What if she is still mad at me?”

 “What do you mean, mad at you?”

 I looked at him, pouring every fiber of sadness into the air between us. I wanted him to read my mind, but I forgot that he couldn’t do that. I wanted him to hold me then and I wanted him to forgive me about Franklin. Jake knew why I was scared. He kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault, but I knew better. It was my fault.

 She was coming for me, pushing through the fabric between purgatory and the living. She was already in my dreams, along with blood and exorcisms and screams. I saw knives cutting flesh and I saw a door opening. There behind the door was her face. There on the table, being rid of his demons, was my father, who was also dead. My aunt and my mother, both dead as well, were holding him down while my son took a knife to his throat. I instructed my son to kill him, and he did.

 “I am not your father. You cannot kill me.”

 “Hey! Natie, are you okay? What do you mean? Why would your aunt’s spirit be mad at you?”

 I couldn’t speak. I kept seeing her face coming back to me. She kept coming back.

 “Natie, why would she be mad at you? What did you do?”

 “I killed her, remember? I killed them all.”

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Jake and Natie, sleep will never come

He left me in the closet with a pen and piece of paper. It was an exercise, he said. It was a way that she might choose to come through for me. All I had to do was close the door and be silent. It was dark and I could not see the pen nor the paper, and this was how Jake wanted it. I was to place the pen against the paper and wait for her to write for me.

“How long does this take, Jake.”

“Be quiet, Natie. I don’t know but I’m sure it’s not going to work if you are talking.”

I waited. I tried not to will my hand to move or not to move and it was weird. It was no different than the Quiji board, no different than holding that little plastic thing together with everyone else’s shaking fingers. In the closet, all I could do was listen to my breath and forget that my fingers even existed.

“Jake, I don’t like this.”

Jake ignored me. He refused to carry on a conversation during the serious exercise, well, he thought it was serious. I was growing weary of all the tricks and exercises and I wanted something real. I wanted to get out of the dark closet and sit in the living room. I just wanted to use the recorder or take pictures. This phantom writing stuff was crap.

“Jake please….”

He opened the door. It was obvious that he was peeved at me from the look on his face. His dark hair was disheveled and his forehead was creased. Jake reached in and took the piece of paper from my hands. He froze.

“Did you do this? Did you write this?”

Jake held the paper in front of me as I climbed from the closet. There was a word scribbled at the top of the page. I looked at him and then back to the page.

“I didn’t write anything, Jake.”

Jake pushed the paper into my face.

“What’s this then?”

At the top of the page was the name ‘Franklin’.

“Whose Franklin, Natie?”

“I…I don’t know, Jake. I didn’t write that.”

Jake’s eyes grew wide and he smiled. “Natie, do you know what this means? If you didn’t write this, then someone else did and you were in that closet alone…but you weren’t really alone. Do you see?”

I realized that I was never alone in that closet and so I jumped away from the closet door immediately. I looked back inside only seeing my clothes and shoes. There was nothing or no one else.

“Jake, I was alone.”

“No Natie, you were in there with a ghost, babe. It was her! I just don’t understand who Franklin is. She never talked about anyone named Franklin.”

“How do you know it was her, Jake?”

Jake was silent. We both walked back into the living room and sat down. He picked up his phone, which was set on the Halloween ghost meter app.


The ghost meter spoke Jake’s name and immediately got his attention. Jake stared at the screen watching the radar needle spin around and around. He looked at me and smiled.

“How’d you like that, Natie. It said my name.”

The ghost detector spoke again. “Franklin”. And again, “secret”.

Jake put his phone on the couch and turned to me. His eyes traveled from my eyes to my hands. He noticed how I wrung my hands and scratched at my jeans because I did. He looked back into my face and silently wondered who Franklin was, silent until he asked me again. And he should ask me because I do know a Franklin, a few of them actually. What he wanted to know was why did my aunt want to talk about a guy named Franklin. I don’t even know if this was her or not. It could be a demon, they say that demons masquerade as loved ones to draw us into their trickery. This could be a demon, yes, a demon. But I did know a Franklin and he was going to ask me, I just know it and ….

“Whose Franklin?”

What I'm thinking- July 7, 2016

The aftermath is never filled with writing fodder. Honestly, I don’t know why I came here at all. I guess this is the last frontier. I saw the beauty of Jupiter and I wanted to go. It’s creamy milk clouds swirled with dark brown storms and winds making its moon stand out in detailed glory. Lo and behold the splendor of the artist’s rendition of the Great Red Spot. Excuse me while I capitalize whatever I please.
So I sit there, growing fatter by the hour because of some strange sleep hormone and all the posted signs. I hate this torture, this caged bird mentality that my sleep holds me sway. Tomorrow, I shall try again to put one foot in front of the other in a neighborhood safari, but the forest still calls-oh God! The agony is too great and call me ungrateful if you wish. Say that I am spoiled because I have everything that I want! Say it!
So the aftermath of all this death is still not affording me something to talk about. I do feel another one coming on, another premonition of some great legend dying and some injustice waiting in the wings. But it’s just like always, from the time of my birth until now and it will never change. It’s like the calm face of the woman whose husband was gunned down in front of her, it’s life and life to me is this.
I will take two steps to your one but I will never know where I am going.

Do you understand?

Lil Red

Lil Red
My furry beast...
Welcome to Spiritwalker

This sight represents my thoughts on what lies just beneath the surface of everything around us and our minds. A cosmic marriage of our selves with what is hidden underneath the surface of what is visible. Please feel free to use your imagination. NO further explanations are necessary.

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